A typical day for me is not as full of exciting vintage things as I would like but it is full of vintage distractions, that's for sure!
I do have a day job but things have been really difficult lately. I went on maternity leave 7 December 2012 and on 10 December 2012 I was told that my daughter had passed away inside the womb. 2 days later on the 12 December 2012 I gave birth to my beautiful Penelope.
Since then my life has pretty much been over. I have tried to get on with life but I have struggled with Grief, the depression I have suffered since I was 11 after some terrible things had happened to me completely and utterly debilitating coupled with losing my precious angel.
I went back to work on 21 March 2013 after a short maternity break and have spent a long time physically, mentally and emotionally unable to go into work and face the lovely girls with stories of their gorgeous babies, despite how much I love my friends this is awfully painful for me and exhausting to have to try pretend that everything is OK and I can cope with it.
Most of my days are spent under my duvet, looking at Facebook and all the lovely vintage things and blogs, and posts and inspirational posts and vintage hair do tutorials that I spend hours doing at home on my own while my tortured fiancé works hard.
I honestly feel guilty about how I feel for the other people in my life. I must be a complete pain in the ass for all the people that care about me. Am I too self indulgent? I know I should just get on with it but I honestly can't, I go out the house and just want to get back home as quickly as possible!
I still do housework but that never really starts until about 8pm at night and doesn't end until midnight some nights. I still enjoy cooking but not as much as I used to. It's not the same, I'm no longer nurturing my pregnant body, I have no need to nurture my body for energy for a good enough purpose.
I spend my days either at work wishing I could run away or sat at home, wishing my life could go back to say November last year where it was full of hope and promise and I could intervene before it was too late and have a beautiful bouncing baby to fill my days and nights rather than this never ending emptiness!
I have this huge to do list of silly little things that could easily fill my time and I just stare at it. I have this lovely dress that I picked up from a charity shop on my 'maternity leave' and it has a small hole in the back along a seam that would literally take 4 minutes to fix and I might actually do it this afternoon. I'm off to a Psychic this evening to try and get some answers as to why this happened to me, although that might not be what I get, I was put in touch with her by a lovely lady that I know and I am eternally grateful for the introduction. I'd like to get it fixed and wear it for my appointment.
Wish me luck for my appointment. I'm petrified.
Oh Fiona,
ReplyDeleteA bloggy hug is all I can offer and I can do as you request and wish you luck for your appointment.
I hope you allow yourself time to heal and don't feel guilty about your grief it is the way to heal.
Please don't misunderstand me when I say heal I mean that in the very fullest way errm to put it like a scab and scar sort of process. I don't mean you need to be fixed or can be fixed.
I hope attending to the blog challenge helps you begin to stretch out a little and maybe put you in contact with people you don't have to worry about being a pain in the ass with. :-)
Very brave of you to share.
Best wishes
Kay