Monday, 17 November 2014

Runaway time

Time, they say, can be a mighty healer. But on the other hand it can also be your cruelest tormentor. 

Have you ever wanted time just to stand still, even if just for a short time? Have you ever wanted time to speed up so you didn't have to endure the inevitable wait ahead to know everything would work out? 

I have, both, on seperate occasions. 

The time I have most wanted to stand still is surrounding the time we lost our Penelope. When they first ever told me she had passed away inside my womb, time for me seemed utterly irrelevant. But when I left hospital to return home with my little girl, to return in 2 days to give birth, all I wanted was time just to STOP! 

I didn't want to labour my beautiful girl. I didn't want her to be taken away from me afterwards. I wanted them to leave me and Penelope alone so that we may forever be together. I didn't want anyone else to touch her. Or me. I didn't want anyone to touch me, comfort me, tell me they understood. How could they possibly understand?! How could they even think to suggest that they even felt close to the despair and utter grief I felt?!

I didn't want to go through the funeral! How I ever stood on the other side of those doors after her funeral and not demand one final cuddle? Maybe she needed it as much as I did? 

I felt so alone in those days. I attended the funeral director appointments alone. I had my final chance to say goodbye there and I am so glad I did. 

I wanted so much for time to stop. Just so I could catch my breath. 

But the Jessica came along and all of a sudden I find myself wishing time away. Wishing the time away it took to fall pregnant again. Wishing the time away of my whole entire pregnancy. Wishing the time away of her birth, despite wanting it to be magical for us, just desperately wanting her to be here and safe and well!

And then 3 hours after birth, she was admitted to SCBU! I couldn't wish that time away enough. I wouldn't sleep, for 2 whole weeks! I'd wake at 3am and go round and visit until the sun rose just before 6am, then they would send me back to get rest and Id be back at 8.30 in time to see the on duty Dr doing his rounds. And just spent all my time next to her cot. 

The 20 minutes it took them to get round to administering the life saving medicine to see if it would work or not was awful. I wished that was whisked along faster. The moment they told me it had worked and would only get better from here on out, I collapsed in a heap on the floor in tears frantically thanking the nurse who delivered the news. Then rushing in to resume my place by Jessica's cot, thanking the Dr multiple times through sobbing tears. 

The longer than normal period that it took Jessica to come off the oxygen, that definately could have been whizzed please, especially some of the doubting predictions from the pessimists and the roller coaster feeling of then receiving predictions from the optimists. That wax tough. And the unwanted interference from a nurse who put our return home back at least a day! 

But now I'm back to wanting time to stand still again! Sometimes. My little girl is growing so so fast but then every day she grows stronger, and her character develops more with each day, and she learns new things and tries a little harder to progress each day. 

Now, you wouldn't even think that she was 4 weeks early. And that she had a rough start. Her development is on par with most babies her age (4 months old) and she has picked up weaning remarkably well with an ever expanding appetite. 

Both my little girls will always make me proud and right now, I'm happy with time plodding on. I will always have time to think about my Penelope. She never leaves my thoughts. 

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