Runaway time

Time, they say, can be a mighty healer. But on the other hand it can also be your cruelest tormentor. 

Have you ever wanted time just to stand still, even if just for a short time? Have you ever wanted time to speed up so you didn't have to endure the inevitable wait ahead to know everything would work out? 

I have, both, on seperate occasions. 

The time I have most wanted to stand still is surrounding the time we lost our Penelope. When they first ever told me she had passed away inside my womb, time for me seemed utterly irrelevant. But when I left hospital to return home with my little girl, to return in 2 days to give birth, all I wanted was time just to STOP! 

I didn't want to labour my beautiful girl. I didn't want her to be taken away from me afterwards. I wanted them to leave me and Penelope alone so that we may forever be together. I didn't want anyone else to touch her. Or me. I didn't want anyone to touch me, comfort me, tell me they understood. How could they possibly understand?! How could they even think to suggest that they even felt close to the despair and utter grief I felt?!

I didn't want to go through the funeral! How I ever stood on the other side of those doors after her funeral and not demand one final cuddle? Maybe she needed it as much as I did? 

I felt so alone in those days. I attended the funeral director appointments alone. I had my final chance to say goodbye there and I am so glad I did. 

I wanted so much for time to stop. Just so I could catch my breath. 

But the Jessica came along and all of a sudden I find myself wishing time away. Wishing the time away it took to fall pregnant again. Wishing the time away of my whole entire pregnancy. Wishing the time away of her birth, despite wanting it to be magical for us, just desperately wanting her to be here and safe and well!

And then 3 hours after birth, she was admitted to SCBU! I couldn't wish that time away enough. I wouldn't sleep, for 2 whole weeks! I'd wake at 3am and go round and visit until the sun rose just before 6am, then they would send me back to get rest and Id be back at 8.30 in time to see the on duty Dr doing his rounds. And just spent all my time next to her cot. 

The 20 minutes it took them to get round to administering the life saving medicine to see if it would work or not was awful. I wished that was whisked along faster. The moment they told me it had worked and would only get better from here on out, I collapsed in a heap on the floor in tears frantically thanking the nurse who delivered the news. Then rushing in to resume my place by Jessica's cot, thanking the Dr multiple times through sobbing tears. 

The longer than normal period that it took Jessica to come off the oxygen, that definately could have been whizzed please, especially some of the doubting predictions from the pessimists and the roller coaster feeling of then receiving predictions from the optimists. That wax tough. And the unwanted interference from a nurse who put our return home back at least a day! 

But now I'm back to wanting time to stand still again! Sometimes. My little girl is growing so so fast but then every day she grows stronger, and her character develops more with each day, and she learns new things and tries a little harder to progress each day. 

Now, you wouldn't even think that she was 4 weeks early. And that she had a rough start. Her development is on par with most babies her age (4 months old) and she has picked up weaning remarkably well with an ever expanding appetite. 

Both my little girls will always make me proud and right now, I'm happy with time plodding on. I will always have time to think about my Penelope. She never leaves my thoughts. 

In need of sleep......!

Gestation. 34 weeks pregnant. 

Why is it when you are pregnant, everyone spends the time reminding you that this is your last opportunity to get any sleep and that you need your rest because 'when baby arrives, you won't get any sleep at all...'. Yeah, apart from the amount of hormones coursing through your body permit that from quite early on in pregnancy! 

Add on top of that the need to pee constantly, being woken by the most wonderful kicks, the odd dreams and horrific nightmares you experience and sleep is a distant known luxury, one you won't reclaim for yourself again for a long time to come. 

As for resting, how do you rest when there is always so much to do? I admit I have made it a particularly arduous mountain to climb as I have spent my whole pregnancy spring cleaning, throwing so much out, just to replace it with new, meaning my ever tolerant other half has done a dump run almost every week for the last 8 weeks so far. 

I have also had my living room, bedroom and nursery all repainted. I have employed the assistance of a dog trainer to help prepare my beautiful boy for the change in his life. I have cleared the garden and made it pretty with lovely flowers, nurturing the bees nest I have tucked away in the lower eaves of my house. 

I'm 2 weeks away from being induced now and now is the time for that last little push to get things done. 

I have just started to organise the items in the nursery now that has been painted, I need to sort my bags for hospital and ensure the rest of the house is ready. Sort the household filing, tidy away all my craft items and finish the crochet blanket for my little girls pram. 

I also think nerves are setting in a tad too around the birth. We hopefully find out the date that we are going to get booked in for our early induction this afternoon. Please keep everything crossed that it is a good date and we don't get put off again.....! 

Xxx