Goals for the next 6 months

Well, I have spent a lot of time contemplating this topic but I think I've got it. 

I wasn't sure whether to focus on my career or personal life or both so I thought as I am wanting to be as honest as possible in my blog, ill just write down everything my heart desires for myself for the next 6 months. 

1/ fall pregnant. 

After losing our beautiful daughter last Christmas time, I really would like to be pregnant by the time the first anniversary of her death comes around. 

My heart breaks every day for her and I really want to make her proud. I will never be able to replace her with another child but I can bring her a brother or a sister into this world and showering the love I hold for her as well as her sibling into our future children. I know that will make her proud. I want her to know that losing her hasn't ended my life but will eventually give me the strength to carry on. 

2/ work hard and plan a wedding that incorporates Penelope into the celebrations using things that mean something to me and her daddy on the big day. Something that shows her we will never forget her. 

3/ have people recognise 'Bintage' as a common term. To truly understand its meaning and to have its own followers of the trend. 

4/ have Penelope's Vintage World set up as a strong online shop, a well known blog and to start writing a book on 'Bintage' living. 

My favourite home made meal.

I love cooking, don't get me wrong but I think food tastes soooo much better when someone else makes it. 

I'm not sure if it is because you haven't had to look at it for 40 minutes to 2 and a half hours that makes it taste so much better, or the fact that you're make up is steamed off because you've put your head in the oven too many times, watching it. Or if it is just because you're not exhausted when you finally get to eat it. 

Whatever the reason. I love dinners that I haven't cooked but especially those by my nana in the past (her roast dinners were my favourite and for years could only appreciate roast dinners made by my nan) and my mum now make for me. 

I know that if I am at my mums and there is enough to stretch for me to join them, I am there!! I love that my mum is quite experimental in her cooking and I am more than happy to try anything I haven't tried before. 

It's quite difficult and hard work cooking things I would love at home, my other half likes quite basic things. He loves take always whether its McDonald's, Domino's or Indian so if I can replicate that, I'm pretty much onto a winner. I don't get much call to be experimental with food at home so I just don't bother anymore. I haven't the inclination to cook 2 different dinners every night. 

Dinner is very exciting if I go round my mums, or a friends. This isn't a moan. Purely an observation of mine. 

He doesn't even like cake!!! 

(That was definately a moan!!!) 

My new favourite picture

This is me and my best friend, Rochelle, at her wedding yesterday. I was so honoured to be her bridesmaid! 

This is me and the beautiful bride in the photo booth she had at the reception. This was a superb idea and I loved it so much!!! I might have to steal it for my wedding! 

We may have been a little tipsy too. 

Anyway, I love her so much and i am so proud of her. She has always been a fair and supportive partner to John, her new husband. She is an admirable mum to the gorgeous Chloe-Holly who was stunning in her pink flower girl dress and head dress. And an amazing, sometimes brutally honest, friend. 

Love you Rochelle Ellis!! I hope your future is the stuff dreams are made of!! 

Xxxxx

What am I good at?

This is the worst day for me. What am I good at? That means blowing my own trumpet. 

I'm not good at that. 

Yeah, banter is different. I can say how awesome I am if it's a joke.

I think the thing I am good at, without it being a 'thing' is just being true to myself. 

This isn't really a good thing for my poor fiancé though. Let me explain.....

I LOVE crap music. When I say crap, that's other people's opinions. I love backstreet boys. I love Justin Bieber. I love Drum and Bass too. (Eclectic mix already) I love EDM. I love 90s RnB. 

I love vintage. Like love it. Not Retro. That's a little too cool for me. 

I love the bright pink sweatshirt with Hippos on that was my mother in laws that I rescued from going to the dump and wore it whilst I was pregnant. There was a lovely calf length button up shift dress that I rescued too. I have my nanas head scarves that mum pinched from my grandads house for me. I love the pots and pans I have inherited from her home since she passed away. 

I love anything that reminds me of my nan. 

I have her knitting needles, some I have had since I was a little girl. Some I have acquired more recently. 

I love old fashioned furniture. Not shabby chic but old. Things you'd find in a 90 year old ladies house. 

I'm good at being true to my own individual personality. 

I get excited about the most random things like Angel Delight and my heart flutters at the 'frightening' dresses in the local charity shops, and I buy them, and I rock them!!! 

Unfortunately, the only thing that I cannot do, is hang plates on the wall. :( my nana did before me so it's only fair I do too. So I am limited to housing them beautifully on my dresser. 

Basically my other half is preventing me being the slightly crazy person I am. I just get called wierd not crazy.

If only he knew. 

So I guess it wasn't totally on topic but I'm proud of being myself. 

I have crazy bright ideas. I get emotionally attached to things and places. I have my head firmly secured in a very fluffy pink cloud and that's the way I like it. 

Be yourself. Don't pretend to be anyone else. Rock your own personality :) 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A Happy Memory

As you probably guessed, my favourite memories are of when I was a young girl, with my beautiful nana.

My happiest, warmest memories are all of times I spent at my nan and grandads house when I was little.

We would do all the things that I had planned to do with my daughter when she was born.

We used to tinkle over the piano, me and my twin sister used to sit either side of my nana on the bench at the piano and muck about pressing the keys. Playing little snippets of tunes. Laugh hard and have awesome cuddles with nana.

We used to sit either side of my nana on the sofa and learn knitting and pearling. With my nana getting frustrated with us dropping stitches and her having to fix it all for us. Marvelling at the rapid clicking of her knitting needles and wishing I could knit and fast and as competent as she.

Sitting at the dining table, making these paper lanterns for Christmas decorations out of the dot matrix paper she got from work. Peeling the edges off before we got down to our crafting or drawing.

And even down to the learning our times tables at the dining table.

When she used to pick our little noses, when we were very little, with the nail on her little finger! A very gratifying habit that I seem to have picked up from her, much to the disgust of my niece.

The butterscotch angel delight in the 1960's metal dishes.

My nana will always be my inspiration for living and my future childcare. She was one amazing woman. Not perfect. But perfectly flawed.

<3

A typical day for me

Right, time for some honesty I guess......

A typical day for me is not as full of exciting vintage things as I would like but it is full of vintage distractions, that's for sure!

I do have a day job but things have been really difficult lately. I went on maternity leave 7 December 2012 and on 10 December 2012 I was told that my daughter had passed away inside the womb. 2 days later on the 12 December 2012 I gave birth to my beautiful Penelope.

Since then my life has pretty much been over. I have tried to get on with life but I have struggled with Grief, the depression I have suffered since I was 11 after some terrible things had happened to me completely and utterly debilitating coupled with losing my precious angel.

I went back to work on 21 March 2013 after a short maternity break and have spent a long time physically, mentally and emotionally unable to go into work and face the lovely girls with stories of their gorgeous babies, despite how much I love my friends this is awfully painful for me and exhausting to have to try pretend that everything is OK and I can cope with it.

Most of my days are spent under my duvet, looking at Facebook and all the lovely vintage things and blogs, and posts and inspirational posts and vintage hair do tutorials that I spend hours doing at home on my own while my tortured fiancé works hard.

I honestly feel guilty about how I feel for the other people in my life. I must be a complete pain in the ass for all the people that care about me. Am I too self indulgent? I know I should just get on with it but I honestly can't, I go out the house and just want to get back home as quickly as possible!

I still do housework but that never really starts until about 8pm at night and doesn't end until midnight some nights. I still enjoy cooking but not as much as I used to. It's not the same, I'm no longer nurturing my pregnant body, I have no need to nurture my body for energy for a good enough purpose.

I spend my days either at work wishing I could run away or sat at home, wishing my life could go back to say November last year where it was full of hope and promise and I could intervene before it was too late and have a beautiful bouncing baby to fill my days and nights rather than this never ending emptiness!

I have this huge to do list of silly little things that could easily fill my time and I just stare at it. I have this lovely dress that I picked up from a charity shop on my 'maternity leave' and it has a small hole in the back along a seam that would literally take 4 minutes to fix and I might actually do it this afternoon. I'm off to a Psychic this evening to try and get some answers as to why this happened to me, although that might not be what I get, I was put in touch with her by a lovely lady that I know and I am eternally grateful for the introduction. I'd like to get it fixed and wear it for my appointment.

Wish me luck for my appointment. I'm petrified.

About Me! <3

My name is Fiona Ballard and I am a serious Vintage Enthusiast!

I want to start blogging because I really want to tell everyone about how much I love everything vintage!

My hobbies are looking at vintage things on Facebook and etsy, researching vintage living, implementing the vintage way of living in my own life, buying vintage things for my home and clothes etc. networking on Facebook, watching mad men, taking my lovely Yorkshire Terrier for walks, reading PVBMag (that’s not even a joke!) and more recently, planning my own amazing vintage wedding!

I LOVE...
My fiancé
My Waldybags
Vintage Homewares
Vintage Clothes and Grace Kelly
My Puppy
Mad Men
Henry Cavill
Crafting
Wedding planning
My hydrangea
Cleaning

I HATE...
Mess and a lack of manners!